kelly

i had to get one of these guys to stay in touch with some scarolina folks:
justthis.tumblr.com

good morning. i woke up at 5:00am and couldn't fall back asleep.

i'm in los alamitos, california, visiting my family. it's been a good time, except all the sports bars.

portland is great. the city is so aesthetically pleasing and people there are genuinely happy. i have a small but eclectic group of friends, although sometimes i do get lonely. i work a lot but probably not as much as i did in columbia. i make a living playing with yuppies' dogs, and making pizza for the drunken and/or stoned masses. both jobs are fun! but weird hours. i live with some nice folks but i think i need to live in a punk house to really thrive. or maybe just not a house of uptight, out of touch, art students... i've had some gentlemen callers: an organic farmer with bad teeth and a half sleeve of vegetable tattoos, and this dreamy younger guy who will never be as interested in me as he is his track bike. i'm afraid to say that i've spent a little too much time cultivating these "relationships" and not spending enough time on myself (i.e. the story of my life). i made a to-do list three pages long but i have a sinking feeling the winter weather will keep me indoors. on that note, portland is under, like, eight inches of snow right now. it's beautiful but it's making it difficult to get around town.

so yeah, things are great but could be better, but i think i'm pretty well adjusted for three and a half months in.

hope you're all doing well!

it's hard to write in this guy. here's what you need to know:
i'm moving to portland, oregon with chuck and bryan. i've made out with three guys since the last time i posted. we've had some really good shows at the house. vibes are good, even with eight people and five animals. still smoking. newfound favorite pasttime = wrestling. portraits of past is playing a reunion show?! i really want a pair of vegetarian shoes brand combat boots.
ok.

hey internet.

i just got home from a five hour shift at house coffee, and 3.72 mile bike ride home (i'm gonna say that it was actually longer than that, since i did not take the most direct route). now that i've caught my breath and cooled down a little bit i feel pretty good.

i've spent the past two days house sitting. it's pretty easy and AIR-CONDITIONED. and has the internet. i've been looking for jobs in d.c. hopefully walking dogs! the house i'm moving into seems really awesome, which is really encouraging. otherwise i'm kinda stressed, and scared. one of the main motivaters for the move was that i was dating someone who lived up there. note the past tense. i've dealt with it really well, although i've been thinking about it a lot the past day or two and it's really weighing down on me. anyway, it changes the mood of the move. but i'm still doing it, god dammit! and it's gonna be awesome!

i just finished re-reading the awakening, by kate chopin. while dated, especially for a more or less feminist work, i still enjoyed it. i always need to be the middle of a book, it just makes me more sound mentally; any recommendations? i have a library at my house but it's hard to navigate and overwhelming at times.

other updates:
-- my car finally died. meaning a bike only existence for me! (except for borrowing anna's car, to walk/feed/love on jonathan's dog out in northeast)
-- it's fucking hot here. like, highs at 100, 101. ugh.
-- we're having a yard sale at the house tomorrow, and a show (skarp, man will destroy himself, disappear, defeat) at the house on monday. check it out: 112 huger street, duh!
-- i've been getting rid of a lot of stuff and painting furniture. it's cathartic.
-- also cathartic: started smoking again. don't tell my mom. i plan on quitting within the month.

guess that's it.

i hope this is what happens in 2012.

here is an update.

i'm moving to d.c. in a month and a half. has anyone ever been so hesitant about leaving columbia?! i'm so nostalgic about all the good times at 112.

... i guess that's it.

chop chay + red wine = a bad fucking idea; however, i am, quite possibly, the happiest i have ever been (knock on wood).

it's 4:50am and i can't sleep. i went to bed around 10:00pm-ish...? only to be woken up by a drunk dial around 3:00am-ish. i guess i'm used to only getting five-ish hours of sleep a night, but i'm also used to being in a coma at this hour. i've been lurking around on the internet but it's pretty boring. i would make toast but i traded my bread for some cigarettes (pathetic, i know). i have no money and the electric bill is due on payday, that's cutting it close enough for my roommates to bitch at me. i don't have a car at the moment but it's actually been really great, also i don't have to go to school tomorrow because i don't have a way of getting there (i win!). i'm trying to quit smoking and doing fairly well, bumming cigarettes but i haven't bought a pack in a couple days. i'm currently reading house of leaves and just finished the people of paper (which i would highly recommend all of you reading). i've been reading a lot, writing and i'm really excited about the 'zine i'm working on, cooking, working, thinking about a lot of things i've let myself ignore for a while... i've been doing really well, despite this weird sleepy stressed out mood i'm in right now.

it's kind of like the night before christmas, you're just too excited to sleep.

and i honestly don't think i'm going to be able to sleep for at least another week.

love, kelly.

i slept through school today. i went to bed at a somewhat decent hour (11:00pm-ish) and woke up twelve hours later, with a sore back. i was feeling really woozy and weird yesterday, so i'm thinking i just needed a tremendous amount of sleep, and a day off. hopefully i won't get in trouble at school...

but it was a good day off. my famous vegan chili for breakfast/lunch, lots of coffee and cigarettes and reading (skinny legs and all, by tom robbins), a little bit of tiffany time... and maybe some tacos (read: tequila) in the very near future? the whig will be the end of me. ebay, too. i am currently the high bidder on this wonderful dress from the 1960s:

i absolutely must own it. as if i have the kind of money for liquor and vintage dresses!

in theory i am doing two haircuts tonight. i haven't heard from neither of the two gentlemen (knock on wood), which is fine by me. it's just the last thing i want to do at the end of the day, even a day off. even though i love cutting hair. i realized today that it's not so much that i don't have free time, i just don't have so much free time so as to waste it. i want to be able to waste time. does that make sense?

well, it looks like i am going to zee whig.

this is my first entry in three months and one day. you can thank two double shot soy lattes and the fact that i have the internet for the first time in nearly two years for this entry.

i'd like to think that i am in the process of getting my life back into order. after six months (-ish? i think?) off, i am back in school, and set to finish at the end of august. i've been listening to a lot of new music, thanks to some mix cds from friends and some recent purchases (it had been entirely too long since i had bought a cd/record; i used to buy them all the time...). i also bought a couple books; i just re-read the stranger. i would strongly recommend reading still life with woodpecker and laughter in the dark, two great books i read this winter. i sat at adrianna's for an hour-ish tonight and just drank coffee and chain-smoked and read. it was nice, and i plan on devoting more of what little spare time i have to doing this. i go out entirely too much lately... i am trying to cut back on that, but how many times have i said that? usually it amounts to me taking a night (i won't even say "or two") off. i've realized that i lot of people don't take me seriously but only because i perpetuate this. so i'm mostly happy... but my days are so busy, i have very little free time, mostly at nights, and i have sundays off until six -- it's weird, how sunday used to be my least favorite day, and now it's my favorite.

i've been writing a lot, my dad supposedly saved it all to a disk when he reformatted my computer but my computer definitely won't open it, but my dad says that it is saved and that we will find a way to open it. i certainly hope so, because there are months and months of words there, and i've been writing a little bit lately too. i hope to edit it soon, and maybe have a new 'zine within a month. we'll see.

this is pointless but i just wanted to say "hello."

love, kelly.

so. here's an update. -ish.

my birthday was phenomenal; thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday / bought me a shot that i "refused" to take because "i'm a year older now, and i want to be classy" / flirted with me (it makes me feel good) / gave me amazing presents / just spent time with my sorry ass (birthdays make me feel so undeserving). i feel like twenty-two will be a good year; however, i also thought september eleventh was gonna be a good day (no joke, and i also wore my vintage "i heart new york" shirt that day).

i've been doing pretty well, especially since halloween has ended and i more or less have my life back. my room is clean, and i don't spend nearly as much time focusing / dwelling on... things that don't need to be thought about that much. my friends are dollfaces, and i've been eating really well. i've been writing a lot, and it's coherent, i feel, and more substantial or deep or whatever than past things written.

here are some pictures documenting the fun i've been having:


( Read more... )

i would post pictures from my birthday except THEY'RE ALL ON ROGER'S CAMERA (although i was under the guise they were on page's).

this is absolutely pointless. there may be a new 'zine soon; none of the "substantial" stuff (as i like to perceive it) goes here.

love, kelly.

tonight, sarah said, "you look kinda out of it, are you okay," and i said, "i was just thinking about how adorable i look with just my underwear on, my body isn't perfect but i have really great tattoos." that must sound arrogant but times like these call for arrogance, i think, and everyone says, "it's not your loss." and i agree but not wholeheartedly.

"three o'clock is always too late, or too early, for anything you want to do." jean-paul sartre.

because i believe in the reality of my desires!"

but i'm not sure if i trust the depth of my desires. one night recently, during a wellbutrin freak-out, i told page that i no longer felt worth being loved, "and i don't mean that in a self-deprecating way," i said. "i used to love life, really love life -- and that made me more lovable."

i used to love a pair of shoes not for how they looked but for how they sounded. i once quit a job because i wanted to go swimming an afternoon i was scheduled to work. i may not have been as "liberated" but my intentions, my desires, were pure.

at the same time, i feel that any guilt or regret i feel about lazy, superficial passions is the result of the same underlying, overwhelming forces.

in regards to a very specific situation, i was told that i'm "settling." the same night, i asked my friends, "if the world was going to end tomorrow, who would want to sleep by themselves tonight?" i have a concept of urgency, and sometimes even put that concept into practice: i guess what i'm saying is that, i have little difficulty putting my shallow desires into practice, but very rarely put the same energy into my deeper, truer ones.

it's easier said than done, i know. at least i've taken then time to be conscious of recent shortcomings.

i'm sure this is all abstract, but i just had to express it. because, if it hadn't been for the whiskey, i wouldn't have been able to sleep the past two nights.

love, kelly.

"by sunrise, the wind will displace us. it'll be as if we were never there. and you said that there's not a word to believe in either of our whispered assurances, but we find solace... "

i stumbled across this lyric last friday or saturday night. it reminds me of a line from the third issue of my 'zine, although it's doubtful this lyric is about the same instance. i know the situation wasn't nearly as relevant to the other party. but it was kind of eerie and upsetting at the time of finding it.

i stopped taking my wellbutrin after a near panic attack / crying spell at the art bar last saturday. within a day or two i felt like myself again. lethargic still, but myself. my appetite returned with my personality, and i think i've already gained back everything i lost during my five weeks on medication.

i got kind of drunk last night, for the first time in five weeks. it was fun, to be obnoxious and exhilarated, as alcohol will sometimes do to me. i'm glad i took a break from it, though: i now see no need and have no desire to drink every night like i used to.

i will at least give wellbutrin credit for making me more introspective about my life and the events of the recent past. i'm still trying to make sense of everything, still trying to establish some kind of substantial meaning into my life. sometimes i catch glimpses of it, but i wholly feel that i'm devoting myself to shallow endeavors and, by doing so, selling myself short. i don't know how to resolve this but i am working on it, mostly by writing about it. maybe that's why nothing substantial ends up here: it goes into my 'zine. i think the next one will be more introspective and hopefully less overdramatic. i am really proud of the two i just put out, however, and need to mail them to those of you i promised i would mail them to months ago. and maybe pass out some more around town. and get around to sending a copy of each off to some distros. blah, blah, blah.

that's it-ish.

love, kelly.

"you simply rock!! are you going to the artbar tonight? do you wanna take a long walk and kick leaves together lol..add me as a friend, i promise ill be a good one ; )"

um. while i am looking forward to going to art bar tonight (JOIN ME IN SEEING RAPIST IN THE CHOIR, TEN O'CLOCK-ISH), i am not looking forward to running into some random creepy hippie myspace dude. how did he find me, and how did he know i was going to art bar.

dog- and ferret-sitting is going well. having unlimited time on the internet prompts what you see below:

( REMEMBERING SUMMER '06 THROUGH PICTURES )

i hate how superficial this journal has become, but apparently not enough to do anything about it. love,kelly.

it seems to me that everyone lately is falling in love. and out of love, or so says page. to which i responded, "i feel like i've been tied to railroad tracks, and a train's coming. but i wasn't tied to the train tracks by some bad guy. and there's no good guy to save me. i'm just kinda... there." it seemed like an apt metaphor at the time but not so much now in retrospect.

i always think of wonderful things to recount here when i am driving around, and now here i am, with nothing relevant to say except for silly little updates. i almost got kicked out of school, because apparently i need to be punished for being sick? or, because the woman who runs my school is a bitch. i'm on medical leave now, after my mom and i took in tons of papers and pills to prove that i'm not making this all up. my former boss at the coffee shop pointed out, however, that i punish myself for being sick as well. and i shouldn't do that, because there's nothing i can do about it. i slept fourteen hours yesterday. it's ridiculous but hopefully things will be figured out soon. neurological work next week, what's up!

halloween is soon. i am simultaneously excited about it and totally dreading it. and hopefully the weather will cool down soon. and the fair is soon! WHO'S TAKING ME.

recent late night happenings have made me very happy. i love you my friends.

i am back in olympia for the next couple of days, dog- and ferret-sitting. having the internet and cable is kinda nice. i am going to watch this movie i found on the floor of my house and maybe read and sleep and tomorrow i want to go for a run and wash my hair and maybe get my septum repierced and go to moe's with my brother.

and. i guess that's it. maybe.

love, kelly.

i am an emotional disaster lately -- thanks, wellbutrin! this week i have been "AAAHHHjklsdhfkljsjdhsdkl" in both the best and worst possible ways (the latter at the moment).

nicole and i are utilizing the computer facilites at an all-girls dormitory on the university of south carolina's campus (ahem). stephanie left me a myspace comment with lots of PICTURES that i am posting here and NOT putting behind a cut because i am in a bad mood so there.


...


me, TIFFANY, and JACKIE O. note that i am perpetually making this face.


samuel l. and a snake. this movie was very funny.

that's it-ish.

"i like that he hates people." don't we all.

i finished the fourth issue of my 'zine at 3:05 am. i'm pretty happy with how it turned out. tonight i will be photocopying that issue as well as the third issue and will have them ready for the house show / infoshop grand opening shindig (which you should go to) tomorrow night.

i'm back in aiken for the afternoon, to see my doctor regarding the results of my sleep study. which was inconclusive, i'm sure. i'm seeing a doctor in columbia as well -- and while i like him, he has me on anti-depressants? which haven't helped my sleeping habits but have made me kind of depressed? thanks, doctor. it's nothing too substantial: i feel fine but am definitely kind of lethargic, and slow physically and mentally, and i'm sleeping my life away, i haven't been to school in a month.

i've been working A LOT, which is fine because i love my jobs and i don't mind having extra money. i would love to get a tattoo in the near future but may have to wait until my birthday. ALSO i have though about getting my septum repierced, any input?

oddly, i don't have any good pictures of it. you can kind of see the ring. i plan on getting a smaller one. ah, those were the days: i was blonde, tan, skinny (read: always on adderall), had a septum ring, et cetera. i am superficial and need to be at the doctor in, like, ten mintues.

remember how my doctor thought i had narcolepsy? and i didn't go to the sleep study he scheduled for me because i thought he was full of shit?

well, this time he thinks it's sleep apnea --

and i still think he's full of shit, but will be attending a sleep study on friday anyway.

ugh.

tonight was just. really nice. missed most of the show at the park, as kristin wanted me to wait on her: she couldn't find a shoe and was nearly two hours late meeting me. but i saw all the old neighbors and other friends, it was great. went to the show at the art garage, which was a lot of fun: a caveman band and mt. gigantic and a dance party and friends again, everyone was in such a good mood tonight!

and i'm making so many great plans: decorating my house and FINALLY putting out my 'zine and hanging out with people BUT NOT AT BARS (well, maybe some of the time).

i just hope all of this isn't "too good to be true."

love, k.